Childhood.

Childhood
Photo Credit : Greyerbaby on Pixelbay

Daily Prompt: Restart

‘No that’s not how it’s going to be. We will not be doing that. Sit back in your seat, and be quiet, and don’t annoy your Father while he is driving.’

Another boring Sunday afternoon drive among the nature trails that she had seen soo many times before. Same old, same old. Repetitive nice conversations. It was the same scene every few weeks, after he had stopped drinking, at least for a time. Or to be truthful until the next time, and there would for sure, be a next time.
It was their joint attempt at reconciliation, after the wasted money been spent. After the hurtful words and accusations spewed at each other, with seething venom, that is when they were actually speaking. It was predictable. The alcoholic bender. The broken promises. The threats. The screaming and shouting, slamming of doors, and kitchen delf. The accusations of infidelity. The children finding their own ways to avoid, and hide from the craziness. Finding their own adventures, or trouble. Living their lives through reading, their friends and films. Anyway to keep the madness from their minds. The indulgent hedonistic lifestyle coming to a halt after a period of a month or so.
Followed by sadness, much regret, and false promises of positive change, that all knew would come to nothing eventually. The glorious and pleasant making up, until the next time. It was sickening. Truly it was.

 

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Alice.

That was the word that filtered down. That’s what he, she or whatever ‘it’ was preferred to be called. I did not no where to look, or even what I felt. My mind a myriad of emotions, and none of them good. Fear, bewilderment, anger, disgust, mixed with compassion, love and loss. Many deeply felt emotions, too confusing to try and name and describe.

I didn’t want to think, let alone feel. Did not want to see ‘it’. This monstrosity. This God almighty freak, that was now part of this family. Part of the family , that I by some unfair fluke of nature was related to. What in Gods name, had gotten into this person. What madness had somehow seeped into their warped, sick mind. My feelings towards them vacillated between, embarrassment, shame to acceptance and sorrow.
To say peaceful nights and mellow days were hard to come by, would be quiet an understatement. I had not seen him, her, whatever the bloody hell this  monstrosity was, since that crazy statement filtered through all those months ago. Like some sort of sick joke, from the depths of a warped, depraved, and perverted mind.That they had decided they were transitioning or whatever the politically correct term is.
In my own language, they had gone all bloody peculiar and odd. Sick in the head. That’s how I described them. Never mind their transitioning, change or whatever…
How was this going to effect us, as a family. My brothers and sisters. Would we not be the laughing stock of the small town, of the area, if not the whole country. The closed, narrow minds of small town Ireland, would never, could never understand, nor comprehend  something so foreign and alien to them, to their world. Perhaps were we in a large anonymous cosmopolitan city. Perhaps their people would be more accepting and understanding, and could care less. Too busy with their own lives to care.
Through other family members I forwarded my pleading, sensible suggestion. That they move to a large cosmopolitian city, to save us the shame and embarrassment, were this family secret to come to light. I left the small town the very next day. Took my own suggestion and lost myself in that large annoymous city. From that day to this I have never looked back. What became of that family member, I neither know nor care.

Into The Blue.

clifftop.

Into the Blue…..

Into the blue, she said, is that what you want to do
Do you really think that is gonna solve it for you
Why don’t you admit what we all know to be true
You’re a liar ,a thief and an alcoholic too

No one likes you, in this family here
Just thought I’d tell you, so it’s very clear
We wish you were gone the hell away from here
So just that you know, and it’s all very clear

I can’t make it any more planar ,my dear
Why don’t you just leave, it’ll be easier all round
The children will have some peace
We’ll all be sound

So you’re going to commit suicide, well good luck with that
It’s a threat I’ve heard a few times before
So it ain’t that big a shock
I say do it, do it, get it done
Then we’ll all be free to have some fun

We don’t like you in this family here
With the arguments you cause, generating such fear
With your nasty way of being, cutting others down clean
The way you carry on, Jesus it’s obscene

Did I mention we don’t like you in this family here
Sail off, and go to hell, why don’t you my dear
I don’t love no more, and it’s been a long time since
That I’ve had feelings of warmth towards you
You and all that alcohol , can’t you see the coincidence

You ain’t the man, I thought you once was
You a drunk, an idiot, a fool, and a slob
You should be ashamed of yourself, look at you now
How you shake and hallucinate, and at time talk to the cows

That’s, the cows that don’t actually exist
Except inside your drink sodden brain ,Where you can’t even see the pain you’re causing to This family of ours
As you spend our finances on people you meet

In the bars and clubs you repeatedly frequent
Keep going there till all our money is spent
Living it up, like the fool what you are
Why I’m stuck here wondering how to feed our children

I hate and detest you, you know that, my dear. Never have I uttered such honest words to another human, I swear
So if you’ve any sense of honour, and your going do what you say
I myself will drive you to the deep ocean blue
Just to make sure you do what you say you’re going to do

I will watch and celebrate, as you sink, struggle and drown
Then the children and I will be free, as we have the right to be
Did I mention somewhere, we don’t like you in this family here

Those were the last words I remember, as I walked to the clifftop edge
With the images of my children, and all those words left unsaid
At least I was a man of honor, doing what I said I was going to do
I stepped off that cliff, into the deep ocean blue.

 

Is this it ?

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Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash

Atmospheric

She looked out at the vast universe. She was always taken aback by its sense of infinity, of nothingness, of stretching to the never, never.  The silence, the sense of nothing moving. Although she had seen it many, many times before, it always fascinated her. Too mad, to brain disturbing to even think about it. She thought of her daughters, of her husband, and the day they had waved her goodbye, and wished her well on her journey. The trip she had dreamed of ever since she was a child.

Throughout her childhood, space, the ultimate sense, and real freedom, the universe, had always offered her an escape, from a family background that was less than healthy, or good for her soul. Many time throughout her childhood, she had sought solace, and peace in the vastness and emptiness that the very idea of interstellar travel offered. Her imagination soared freely, as she traveled alone , and in peace, away from people, away from others. Relationships  had always being difficult for her. It seemed to her, life would be so fine, if only she didn’t have the encumbrance of actually dealing with other humans. Animals, no problems there, of course. As generally speaking , they love you forever, if you show them, even a shred of kindness. They always remember, and a bonus being, they can never, ever speak. At least she was secure in the knowledge, that her deepest thoughts and ruminations that she shared, of which there were many, with the various  animals she befriended, would never, ever be divulged to another human being. Weather in the animal kingdom, if she was a source of gossip, she neither cared, or was concerned.

But now as her space capsule traveled,in the silence, through space, towards the outer reaches of the universe, and onward towards infinity, the prospect of never seeing her family again hit hard. She knew it was pointless to try the dim flickering switches of the instrument panel before her. The communication system to earth, had long since given up. She was afraid, sad, but also curious. What actually happens when we die. Where do we go, what happens next. Is there actually a God, a second life, a second chance to live life the way we would have done, given the opportunity. The chance to right the wrongs the all are guilty of. Cruel words and actions,  looking back, that perhaps given some thought and reflection, we would not have indulged in. Could we have being more lenient, gentle and forgiving of those whom we perceived did us wrong, of perhaps their crimes were too monstrous to be worthy of forgiveness.

What she would have given for a second chance. The opportunity to hold her husband gently, and softly tell him, how much she loved him. The opportunity to hold her daughters, just one more time, and to lay out some guidelines, some rules for life, for a happy, peaceful life.  To be compassionate towards others, to try to be  understanding of others lives, and what they have been through. To forgive easily, to throw grudges and resentments aside. To laugh  as much as possible, to have fun, to enjoy life while one can.

She glanced once more through the large open screens that sat before her, into the darkness, and the passing dull stars, as the relaxing classical music played softly and gently in the background, easing her mind somewhat. The effect of the over medication of the tranquilizers slowly and gloriously taking their toll on her once  bright, effervescent mind. Questions she once demanded answers too, no longer seemed  important.

She looked once again at the dark vastness before her, as her space capsule ventured forth into the unknown.

Deny.

 

Deny

Don’t you dare deny that you are sly, underhand and mean
Cruel and brutal, at times even obscene
You paint that face for others to see
Of happiness, joy comfort and peace
But for those of us who know you well
It’s a different side of you that we see

That side that likes to compete, defeat, undermine and destroy
To rob us of our joy
You categorize and label, and say we won’t be able
Never will we achieve, that which it is that we seek
You put us into boxes, and label us strange and bizarre

You never let up
How come you’re such a social failure, How come you don’t ever go out
Does no one like you, is that the issue
Please stop Father, you are only confirming my very own self doubt
Why can’t you be more successful, why can’t you be more impressive
Your not a child I wish to acknowledge, look at you, cant even make it to college
Your depressed you say, why don’t you confess
My evidence and judgement complete
Then I can rest easy, as I watch and silently laugh
As you squirm and look so uncomfortable in your seat
My never ending mission to seek and destroy
One step closer, towards being complete
As I categorize and diminish from my position up above
The labels and judgements I hand out to others
Are brilliant. They enhance my sense of self love, and self esteem
To the zenith of my happiness, You know what I mean

I push others down, stamp them into the ground
Because it raises me up to some higher ground
So brilliant am I, never can I do wrong
I leave a trail of damaged people and wrecked self esteem in my wake
Well these people will just have to find a way
To get themselves better for goodness sake

You commiserate with others, how tough it is for you
Having to deal with our unstable, unpleasant  personalities
Oh dear, what is it a man like you is supposed to do
Is it fair that you dare project your narcissistic characteristics
On those that are close to you

I can see what’s wrong with them, you scream
They are evenious, jealous, socially inadequate and unclean
It is like some nightmarish daydream, I must suffer for my sins
If only they were better, how easy my life would be
But all this time you never look within
To where the root of your unhappiness begins
Try looking inside yourself, maybe ask God to forgive you for your sins
If he has any sense, he won’t let you off that easily

For acting like a bastard, to some of the children who call you Father
Those you look to you, for sustenance, support and happiness
What do we find, but a man with a mind intent on pulling us down from grace
Who likes to compete, knock us off our feet, repeatedly
Until we can take no more, and really want to shut that door
We gain pleasure in finding ways
To seek revenge and settle old scores
If God won’t or can’t control this man, we’re gonna have to do
What it is what we can do, maybe try and wipe the slate clean

We will step back, step away, from people such as you
To those who like to tear us down, destroy our sense of self
They love to get inside our heads, and batter us near enough to death
Never happy are they, until they have spread their vile malicious ways
Onto others, and see them suffer too
Then they have reached their ultimate goal, this is what they do

So I say to any out their, in situations such as this
Realise that not all parents are well rounded individuals of sound mind, and good intent
Raising a family in an ocean of bliss
Many are vile, unpleasant individuals, incapable of looking after their young
They will destroy and tear you down, then act all innocent and clean
Deny the words they used, ever had any intent to be cruel and mean
But don’t you stand for that, don’t believe a word
It will just ease up for a week or two, and the cycle of abuse will begin again

Walk away, cut them out, if you can
Seek revenge if you must, you will be a stronger man
But don’t ever let them deny, that they are sly, underhand and mean
Psychotic, dysfunctional individuals, with a streak of nastiness
That has to be seen to be believed
Will I forgive…. sure eventually, for my own benefit
Will I forget, never. I will forever be on my guard
For such people who treat others with such disregard, for their mental and spiritual health
May God have mercy on them, for their sins.

Another Night….

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She knew how it was going to be ,another night, same as before, same as so many other nights. Pawing, brutal men. Dirty, sleazy men. Unattractive men, with the manner of wild beasts. She had to see them all, that was the game she had involved herself in. Were she not to perform her duties, as layed out by her Father, she knew it would lead to more brutal beatings, while her Mother looked on in an approving manner.
She waited in the quiet backlit street, away from the busy throughfare, away from the staring eyes of the middle class happy people, who could guess, or possibly  assume what she was by her demeanor. She was dead inside. No interest, no anger, no disillusionment, no happeniness,  no nothing. Her soul empty, her spirit deadened. A living walking, and occasionally talking corpse.
She waited patiently in that semi darkened, empty backstreet, knowing it would not be long before her customers, punters, sleazy men, call them what you will , would come calling. Her first two customers were men she did not like but was famililar with. She knew from past experience the encounters would be phyisically brutal, but thankfully quick. Reaching into her handbag, she retrieved the packet and withdrew a cigerette,and lit it. Wishing so much she could one day give them up, but they did at least offer some comfort, at least for a few moments.

She watched him in the far distance, at the top of the street. The searching eyes
scanning the area. She knew by his body language what he was looking for, and in a moment or two negotiations would begin, a price agreed, and a suitable, hidden area, in the darkened backstreet selected. She watched as the tall man with the scraggy beard and long
overcoat approached. His steps slow and thoughtful, indicating a deep solitary inner conversation he was holding. As he got closer she hoped and prayed he was reasonably sane, and of course fresh and clean, and that he would be gentle. She studied his eyes, as she always did, with any man who approached her, before she painted on a friendly smile. To check his intent, an indication of mental imbalance, or possible violence. He was after a possible new regular customer.
What she found within his eyes was a slight recognition from somewhere, some other time. She inhaled hard on the cigarette, at times it helped clear her mind. Was he a regular from the past,who had changed his appearance , or was he just similar in looks to so many of the other men she had encountered in the past. The street was quiet, apart from passing cars in the distance. The sky clear. The moon full and bright, with a few stars visible. The night air, fresh and cooling. Something here was amiss. She paced up and down the pavement awaiting his approach, becoming quiet uncomfortable. Those eyes were familiar, so recognizable.
Although his eyes were empty and vacant, his mind elsewhere, or possibly not there at all. Were they still the eyes she had not seen in such a long timeCould it possibly be, after all this time, Could it really be. In this place at this time. But the eyes were the only method they had used to recognize each other after many years apart, in the past.

How much ? ‘ , he did not meet her eyes, just stared at the ground.
She needed to see his eyes,just to be sure.
She held a fresh cigarette in front of her face,
‘Light ?’
Finally he looked her in the eye.
‘No,don’t smoke’.

It was him, she was fairly sure of it now. Of course both had changed psychically, but he was still recognizable to her, just. She had not seen him for so long. So many questions Where had he being, What had he done. Had life being good to him. There was no flicker of recognition from him. His once lively, sparkling eyes, now empty , black and dead.

Where’, his voice soft, and gentle.
‘Don’t you recognize who I am ?’

For the first time in a long time, she actually felt something . Was it anxiety, anger, an eagerness to know. She felt a little alive.
No, I don’t know you, or want to know you’. His eyes cold, empty, dead and angry. No signs of any recognition from him.
She considered for a moment, pushing it. But instead decided to leave it be.
‘I dont wish to go with you, go away and leave me alone’, or I will call him over’, her voice sharp,getting louder and unfriendly. She pointed to the well built middle aged man, who stepped out from the doorway across the street, from where he had being watching. His mouth turned down in a sneer, His eyes cruel and mean. He inhaled on the cigarette he had being smoking.

She watched the forlorn figure of the elder brother she had not seen in so many years, slowly walk away from her. His eyes, dead, black and vacant. He walked out of her working area, and out of her life. She watched him go. Two people living empty, meaningless lives. Across the road, the heavily built man with the evil sneer, stepped back into the shadows.
She took another cigarette from the packet in her large handbag, one day wishing she could give them up.
Grateful for the cooling breeze, the clear sky and the moonlit night. She painted on the false smile,and studied his eyes as the new customer beckoned her over to the black shinny Mercedes car,that glistened in the moonlit. The clatter of her high heels breaking the silence of the night.
Written to a photo prompt seen here : (http://creativewriting.ie/writing-prompts/)