Revelation.

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Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash

Snippet

One brief look, at the first few line of a letter left open on the old oak table. That’s all it took.
She hurried from the shadowed kitchen upon hearing the footsteps. The words imprinted deeply in her mind. Not knowing what to do with herself, she went out into the garden, in the early evening sunshine. Unhappy and disturbed there, she ran to her bedroom. Unable to rest there, she decided to go for a run.
She had to do something to bring her body and mind back to some sense of equilibrium. Quickly gathering her running gear,the grey tight fitting t-shirt, and slim fitting leggings. She set off at high-speed down the empty roads of the rural area, overlooking the wheat fields in full bloom. She ran as fast as she was able, and as long as she was able, to the point of near exhaustion. Perspiration building on her forehead, her neck and back. Her breathing loud and hard. It always worked when her mind was unsettled. Her mind and feelings of confusion, anger, sadness and mainly betrayal, slowly began to come into some type of balance.
They had lied. They held back the truth for so long. Exhausted after her long hard run. When her breathing eased she sat against the stone wall, that surrounded the green blossoming field. She usually found peace and solace in the stillness of the isolated rural area, broken only by the soft sounds of the birds chirping. But not this evening. What she had believed for so long, what she had based herself, her life on, was no longer true.

That sense of inner strength and sense of belonging she had gotten from her parents now no longer seemed true. If she could not trust them to be true and honest over such a matter, could she ever trust anyone anymore, ever ? As she sat by that wall, in the quiet summers evening, she could physically feel all her inner strenght and self esteem drain from her, there and then .
It was a very different girl who slowly picked herself up off the ground. The slumped posture, the head held low, the dragging of her feet, told anyone watching all they needed to know. If her real Mother did not want her all those years ago, did this mean she was no good. Unwanted, an encumbrance and waste of space. She slowly and unwillingly made her way back to the house of lies, she had for so long believed was her true home.

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Time.

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Photo by Sabri Tuzcu on Unsplash

Time, just about  the most precious commodity there is. Do you really want to be working ninety hour plus, a week, to the point of exhaustion, just for the money. What about the time to reflect. To enjoy. To process and think over life events. Time to spend with your loved ones, and maybe children. Much of the lack of free time is to do with greedy, selfish employers, whom, from what I can see, pay those in their employ as little as they can get away with.
Consequently their generally low paid workers, have to spend most of their time, working all the hours God sends, in an effort to provide a decent life for themselves, and there loved ones. Maybe if these employers bought one less piece of expensive company equipment. Or maybe had one less holiday a year, and paid there workers a decent living wage, so they are not forced into working mad hours. How about that, a bit fairer all round, I’d say.
It certainly is quiet frustrating to read of company profits and turnover increasing, and not seeing that profitability reflected in one’s wage packet. The profits and turnover, you, as the employee are contributing to. I recently read an interview where the CEO of one of the major coffee operations in the world, with coffee houses everywhere. In that interview he relayed how he had being brought in a one parent family, by his Mother, in a poor area of town. Watching her struggle financially, under pressure and stress, trying to provide for her family. He determined there and then, that he would always remember how hard it was for his Mother, and that he would always be understanding, and helpful of others struggles on their life journey. Eventually managing to get himself educated, and successful to a reasonable degree, he became CEO of this internationally famous coffee company. How much do they pay their front line staff ? Minimum wage.
Maybe its easy to forget, where you’ve come from, and what you’ve being through, and what you promised yourself, when you are sitting in the plush boardroom, over looking the big city.

Generally I blame the employers, if you have to work for others. Where one is out of necessity forced to work very long working hours, for no great fortune. With little time for much else. To say it’s incredibly frustrating, would certainly be an understatement. Is chasing all that success, and the money, really that important ? You may  get to the graveyard a wealthy person. But were you so stressed out, and maybe missing out on important life, and family events, throughout your life. Missing the opportunity to connect with others on a deep level, form friendships that may have  lasted a life time. Not at all easy to balance it out. Did it all seem so worth it  now, looking back ? Not an easy quandary to solve. Time rich, and poor, or no time and rich. What matters to you, when you look back at your life, if your lucky enough to reach a healthy age. Of course, access to financial resources is an absolute bonus, as it makes life so much easier and smooth. Don’t you believe those Catholics and priests who tell you poverty, and suffering is the gateway to heaven. Trust me, it ain’t. I don’t believe God wants us to suffer. If there is a God, and we are all his children ?  If there is a God, I’m assuming he is a God of love, not a God of nastiness, and suffering. Don’t tread along that foolish path. Will you be a well to do person, full of regret, surrounded by the trappings of success ? But maybe angry underneath it all, that you missed out on so much.
I don’t have the answer. It’s very hard choices what you prioritize in life. No doubt financial wealth and independence is fabulous is one can achieve it. Leading to great freedom and choice in life, which is what I would strive for, and value most above all else. Maybe not everyone is cut out to be a successful entrepreneur. For myself, I certainly value time spent with loved one’s and friends, much more important than maybe a lonely existence of a wealthy person with the obvious trappings of success, but perhaps with a deep inner emptiness and loneliness, and much regret and frustration.
I don’t know if I’m coming back round for a second go, or if I’m coming back at all ! if you believe in reincarnation. Perhaps then I’d hold a different view. Who knows, maybe next time round I may be a wealthy man.

Dishonour.

You lie cheat and deny, say you are unable
To do what you said you were going to do
You insist it’s the truth, but it just don’t add up, like two and two
Something’s not right, something is amiss
How your living your life, like nothing has changed

Are you a man of honor, or does that mean nothing to you
Is it alright in your book, to screw others over
Cause this is what you do
You take what is not yours, refuse to share what you got
We’ve asked, pleaded, cajoled and begged

But none of these methods are getting through to your head
You lie, cheat and steal from those that are deserving
Those who are close to you
Surely we deserve better than this
Rather than be treated like fools

How can you be so immune, to others outside of yourself
Are you so wrapped up, and self indulgent
It does not even enter your head
Is it right, that you should indulge yourself, with what you taken
That don’t belong to you
Can you not see the suffering of others, right here in front of you

Have you no compassion, no empathy for others
Or perhaps you are a narcissist too
I will not be friendly to you
Maybe over time you will learn
To treat others this way just wont do

So I will ask one more time
Are you a man of honour, or does that mean nothing to you.

Choices.

Particular

‘I am very particular about whom I get involved with now. Although perhaps I may enjoy being with you. I don’t need to be with you’.
Never before had he being spoken to like that. The cheek, the very idea. Who the hell did this woman think she was. The blood surged through his veins at speed, like a wild ranging river. He could feel his face redden, his fists clench, his shoulders tense, and the adrenaline run round his abdomen.
Then with the strike, it was released. The very real sense of peace and physical relaxation most welcoming. His jaw he had held so tightly, now eased. His breathing again became more smooth and easy. His clenched fists returned to the gentle creative hands they usually were. His hate filled eyes now replaced by gentleness, regret and sorrow. He rushed to her side where she lay on the floor, the blood seeping from the corner of her mouth. Her smart business suit, now crumpled and sullied with the dirt from the kitchen floor. Her look of shock, and a little fear, but overall her face portrayed a look of righteous anger and indignation.

‘You think you can do that to me’, her scream loud and embarrassing.

What if the neighbours heard, was his only concern. Would they not know, and think so much less of him as a man, as a human. He had to shut her up, to quieten her. She quickly raised herself from the floor. Now she was the one feeling the strong feelings of anger, and indignation. Her emotions propelling her body’s movements. She ran at him, her screams guttural, inhuman, animal like. Her sharpened fingers reaching for his hair, face, his eyes, anywhere she could reach. Kicking and slapping where she could. But her efforts, wasted and ineffectual, on a man of his size. He pushed her away easily, and pleaded with her to calm down. Apologised for what he had done, and promised it was so totally out of character that he could not understand his actions, at all.

‘ It will nevr, ever happen again, I swear. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Look let’s sit down and have a drink’.
‘Get the hell away from me, you animal’, her voice so very loud. Don’t you ever, ever come near me again’.

He needed her to quieten down, what of the neighbors, his main concern. His reputation and place in the community, at risk. He thought best than to decide to talk her down, he would just be quiet, so as not to make the situation any worse.
She gathered her belongings, threw the half filled glass of champange at him,

‘ I’m very particular about whom I get involved with, you freak’, she roared.

With that she slammed the apartment door, and made her way into cold, rain sozzzled night.

 

Alice.

That was the word that filtered down. That’s what he, she or whatever ‘it’ was preferred to be called. I did not no where to look, or even what I felt. My mind a myriad of emotions, and none of them good. Fear, bewilderment, anger, disgust, mixed with compassion, love and loss. Many deeply felt emotions, too confusing to try and name and describe.

I didn’t want to think, let alone feel. Did not want to see ‘it’. This monstrosity. This God almighty freak, that was now part of this family. Part of the family , that I by some unfair fluke of nature was related to. What in Gods name, had gotten into this person. What madness had somehow seeped into their warped, sick mind. My feelings towards them vacillated between, embarrassment, shame to acceptance and sorrow.
To say peaceful nights and mellow days were hard to come by, would be quiet an understatement. I had not seen him, her, whatever the bloody hell this  monstrosity was, since that crazy statement filtered through all those months ago. Like some sort of sick joke, from the depths of a warped, depraved, and perverted mind.That they had decided they were transitioning or whatever the politically correct term is.
In my own language, they had gone all bloody peculiar and odd. Sick in the head. That’s how I described them. Never mind their transitioning, change or whatever…
How was this going to effect us, as a family. My brothers and sisters. Would we not be the laughing stock of the small town, of the area, if not the whole country. The closed, narrow minds of small town Ireland, would never, could never understand, nor comprehend  something so foreign and alien to them, to their world. Perhaps were we in a large anonymous cosmopolitan city. Perhaps their people would be more accepting and understanding, and could care less. Too busy with their own lives to care.
Through other family members I forwarded my pleading, sensible suggestion. That they move to a large cosmopolitian city, to save us the shame and embarrassment, were this family secret to come to light. I left the small town the very next day. Took my own suggestion and lost myself in that large annoymous city. From that day to this I have never looked back. What became of that family member, I neither know nor care.

Into The Blue.

clifftop.

Into the Blue…..

Into the blue, she said, is that what you want to do
Do you really think that is gonna solve it for you
Why don’t you admit what we all know to be true
You’re a liar ,a thief and an alcoholic too

No one likes you, in this family here
Just thought I’d tell you, so it’s very clear
We wish you were gone the hell away from here
So just that you know, and it’s all very clear

I can’t make it any more planar ,my dear
Why don’t you just leave, it’ll be easier all round
The children will have some peace
We’ll all be sound

So you’re going to commit suicide, well good luck with that
It’s a threat I’ve heard a few times before
So it ain’t that big a shock
I say do it, do it, get it done
Then we’ll all be free to have some fun

We don’t like you in this family here
With the arguments you cause, generating such fear
With your nasty way of being, cutting others down clean
The way you carry on, Jesus it’s obscene

Did I mention we don’t like you in this family here
Sail off, and go to hell, why don’t you my dear
I don’t love no more, and it’s been a long time since
That I’ve had feelings of warmth towards you
You and all that alcohol , can’t you see the coincidence

You ain’t the man, I thought you once was
You a drunk, an idiot, a fool, and a slob
You should be ashamed of yourself, look at you now
How you shake and hallucinate, and at time talk to the cows

That’s, the cows that don’t actually exist
Except inside your drink sodden brain ,Where you can’t even see the pain you’re causing to This family of ours
As you spend our finances on people you meet

In the bars and clubs you repeatedly frequent
Keep going there till all our money is spent
Living it up, like the fool what you are
Why I’m stuck here wondering how to feed our children

I hate and detest you, you know that, my dear. Never have I uttered such honest words to another human, I swear
So if you’ve any sense of honour, and your going do what you say
I myself will drive you to the deep ocean blue
Just to make sure you do what you say you’re going to do

I will watch and celebrate, as you sink, struggle and drown
Then the children and I will be free, as we have the right to be
Did I mention somewhere, we don’t like you in this family here

Those were the last words I remember, as I walked to the clifftop edge
With the images of my children, and all those words left unsaid
At least I was a man of honor, doing what I said I was going to do
I stepped off that cliff, into the deep ocean blue.

 

Is this it ?

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Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash

Atmospheric

She looked out at the vast universe. She was always taken aback by its sense of infinity, of nothingness, of stretching to the never, never.  The silence, the sense of nothing moving. Although she had seen it many, many times before, it always fascinated her. Too mad, to brain disturbing to even think about it. She thought of her daughters, of her husband, and the day they had waved her goodbye, and wished her well on her journey. The trip she had dreamed of ever since she was a child.

Throughout her childhood, space, the ultimate sense, and real freedom, the universe, had always offered her an escape, from a family background that was less than healthy, or good for her soul. Many time throughout her childhood, she had sought solace, and peace in the vastness and emptiness that the very idea of interstellar travel offered. Her imagination soared freely, as she traveled alone , and in peace, away from people, away from others. Relationships  had always being difficult for her. It seemed to her, life would be so fine, if only she didn’t have the encumbrance of actually dealing with other humans. Animals, no problems there, of course. As generally speaking , they love you forever, if you show them, even a shred of kindness. They always remember, and a bonus being, they can never, ever speak. At least she was secure in the knowledge, that her deepest thoughts and ruminations that she shared, of which there were many, with the various  animals she befriended, would never, ever be divulged to another human being. Weather in the animal kingdom, if she was a source of gossip, she neither cared, or was concerned.

But now as her space capsule traveled,in the silence, through space, towards the outer reaches of the universe, and onward towards infinity, the prospect of never seeing her family again hit hard. She knew it was pointless to try the dim flickering switches of the instrument panel before her. The communication system to earth, had long since given up. She was afraid, sad, but also curious. What actually happens when we die. Where do we go, what happens next. Is there actually a God, a second life, a second chance to live life the way we would have done, given the opportunity. The chance to right the wrongs the all are guilty of. Cruel words and actions,  looking back, that perhaps given some thought and reflection, we would not have indulged in. Could we have being more lenient, gentle and forgiving of those whom we perceived did us wrong, of perhaps their crimes were too monstrous to be worthy of forgiveness.

What she would have given for a second chance. The opportunity to hold her husband gently, and softly tell him, how much she loved him. The opportunity to hold her daughters, just one more time, and to lay out some guidelines, some rules for life, for a happy, peaceful life.  To be compassionate towards others, to try to be  understanding of others lives, and what they have been through. To forgive easily, to throw grudges and resentments aside. To laugh  as much as possible, to have fun, to enjoy life while one can.

She glanced once more through the large open screens that sat before her, into the darkness, and the passing dull stars, as the relaxing classical music played softly and gently in the background, easing her mind somewhat. The effect of the over medication of the tranquilizers slowly and gloriously taking their toll on her once  bright, effervescent mind. Questions she once demanded answers too, no longer seemed  important.

She looked once again at the dark vastness before her, as her space capsule ventured forth into the unknown.