Revelation.

Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash

Snippet

One brief look, at the first few line of a letter left open on the old oak table. That’s all it took.
She hurried from the shadowed kitchen upon hearing the footsteps. The words imprinted deeply in her mind. Not knowing what to do with herself, she went out into the garden, in the early evening sunshine. Unhappy and disturbed there, she ran to her bedroom. Unable to rest there, she decided to go for a run.
She had to do something to bring her body and mind back to some sense of equilibrium. Quickly gathering her running gear,the grey tight fitting t-shirt, and slim fitting leggings. She set off at high-speed down the empty roads of the rural area, overlooking the wheat fields in full bloom. She ran as fast as she was able, and as long as she was able, to the point of near exhaustion. Perspiration building on her forehead, her neck and back. Her breathing loud and hard. It always worked when her mind was unsettled. Her mind and feelings of confusion, anger, sadness and mainly betrayal, slowly began to come into some type of balance.
They had lied. They held back the truth for so long. Exhausted after her long hard run. When her breathing eased she sat against the stone wall, that surrounded the green blossoming field. She usually found peace and solace in the stillness of the isolated rural area, broken only by the soft sounds of the birds chirping. But not this evening. What she had believed for so long, what she had based herself, her life on, was no longer true.

That sense of inner strength and sense of belonging she had gotten from her parents now no longer seemed true. If she could not trust them to be true and honest over such a matter, could she ever trust anyone anymore, ever ? As she sat by that wall, in the quiet summers evening, she could physically feel all her inner strenght and self esteem drain from her, there and then .
It was a very different girl who slowly picked herself up off the ground. The slumped posture, the head held low, the dragging of her feet, told anyone watching all they needed to know. If her real Mother did not want her all those years ago, did this mean she was no good. Unwanted, an encumbrance and waste of space. She slowly and unwillingly made her way back to the house of lies, she had for so long believed was her true home.

Time.

Photo by Sabri Tuzcu on Unsplash

Time, just about  the most precious commodity there is. Do you really want to be working ninety hour plus, a week, to the point of exhaustion, just for the money. What about the time to reflect. To enjoy. To process and think over life events. Time to spend with your loved ones, and maybe children. Much of the lack of free time is to do with greedy, selfish employers, whom, from what I can see, pay those in their employ as little as they can get away with.
Consequently their generally low paid workers, have to spend most of their time, working all the hours God sends, in an effort to provide a decent life for themselves, and there loved ones. Maybe if these employers bought one less piece of expensive company equipment. Or maybe had one less holiday a year, and paid there workers a decent living wage, so they are not forced into working mad hours. How about that, a bit fairer all round, I’d say.
It certainly is quiet frustrating to read of company profits and turnover increasing, and not seeing that profitability reflected in one’s wage packet. The profits and turnover, you, as the employee are contributing to. I recently read an interview where the CEO of one of the major coffee operations in the world, with coffee houses everywhere. In that interview he relayed how he had being brought in a one parent family, by his Mother, in a poor area of town. Watching her struggle financially, under pressure and stress, trying to provide for her family. He determined there and then, that he would always remember how hard it was for his Mother, and that he would always be understanding, and helpful of others struggles on their life journey. Eventually managing to get himself educated, and successful to a reasonable degree, he became CEO of this internationally famous coffee company. How much do they pay their front line staff ? Minimum wage.
Maybe its easy to forget, where you’ve come from, and what you’ve being through, and what you promised yourself, when you are sitting in the plush boardroom, over looking the big city.

Generally I blame the employers, if you have to work for others. Where one is out of necessity forced to work very long working hours, for no great fortune. With little time for much else. To say it’s incredibly frustrating, would certainly be an understatement. Is chasing all that success, and the money, really that important ? You may  get to the graveyard a wealthy person. But were you so stressed out, and maybe missing out on important life, and family events, throughout your life. Missing the opportunity to connect with others on a deep level, form friendships that may have  lasted a life time. Not at all easy to balance it out. Did it all seem so worth it  now, looking back ? Not an easy quandary to solve. Time rich, and poor, or no time and rich. What matters to you, when you look back at your life, if your lucky enough to reach a healthy age. Of course, access to financial resources is an absolute bonus, as it makes life so much easier and smooth. Don’t you believe those Catholics and priests who tell you poverty, and suffering is the gateway to heaven. Trust me, it ain’t. I don’t believe God wants us to suffer. If there is a God, and we are all his children ?  If there is a God, I’m assuming he is a God of love, not a God of nastiness, and suffering. Don’t tread along that foolish path. Will you be a well to do person, full of regret, surrounded by the trappings of success ? But maybe angry underneath it all, that you missed out on so much.
I don’t have the answer. It’s very hard choices what you prioritize in life. No doubt financial wealth and independence is fabulous is one can achieve it. Leading to great freedom and choice in life, which is what I would strive for, and value most above all else. Maybe not everyone is cut out to be a successful entrepreneur. For myself, I certainly value time spent with loved one’s and friends, much more important than maybe a lonely existence of a wealthy person with the obvious trappings of success, but perhaps with a deep inner emptiness and loneliness, and much regret and frustration.
I don’t know if I’m coming back round for a second go, or if I’m coming back at all ! if you believe in reincarnation. Perhaps then I’d hold a different view. Who knows, maybe next time round I may be a wealthy man.

Dishonour.

You lie cheat and deny, say you are unable
To do what you said you were going to do
You insist it’s the truth, but it just don’t add up, like two and two
Something’s not right, something is amiss
How your living your life, like nothing has changed

Are you a man of honor, or does that mean nothing to you
Is it alright in your book, to screw others over
Cause this is what you do
You take what is not yours, refuse to share what you got
We’ve asked, pleaded, cajoled and begged

But none of these methods are getting through to your head
You lie, cheat and steal from those that are deserving
Those who are close to you
Surely we deserve better than this
Rather than be treated like fools

How can you be so immune, to others outside of yourself
Are you so wrapped up, and self indulgent
It does not even enter your head
Is it right, that you should indulge yourself, with what you taken
That don’t belong to you
Can you not see the suffering of others, right here in front of you

Have you no compassion, no empathy for others
Or perhaps you are a narcissist too
I will not be friendly to you
Maybe over time you will learn
To treat others this way just wont do

So I will ask one more time
Are you a man of honour, or does that mean nothing to you.

Choices.

Particular

‘I am very particular about whom I get involved with now. Although perhaps I may enjoy being with you. I don’t need to be with you’.
Never before had he being spoken to like that. The cheek, the very idea. Who the hell did this woman think she was. The blood surged through his veins at speed, like a wild ranging river. He could feel his face redden, his fists clench, his shoulders tense, and the adrenaline run round his abdomen.
Then with the strike, it was released. The very real sense of peace and physical relaxation most welcoming. His jaw he had held so tightly, now eased. His breathing again became more smooth and easy. His clenched fists returned to the gentle creative hands they usually were. His hate filled eyes now replaced by gentleness, regret and sorrow. He rushed to her side where she lay on the floor, the blood seeping from the corner of her mouth. Her smart business suit, now crumpled and sullied with the dirt from the kitchen floor. Her look of shock, and a little fear, but overall her face portrayed a look of righteous anger and indignation.

‘You think you can do that to me’, her scream loud and embarrassing.

What if the neighbours heard, was his only concern. Would they not know, and think so much less of him as a man, as a human. He had to shut her up, to quieten her. She quickly raised herself from the floor. Now she was the one feeling the strong feelings of anger, and indignation. Her emotions propelling her body’s movements. She ran at him, her screams guttural, inhuman, animal like. Her sharpened fingers reaching for his hair, face, his eyes, anywhere she could reach. Kicking and slapping where she could. But her efforts, wasted and ineffectual, on a man of his size. He pushed her away easily, and pleaded with her to calm down. Apologised for what he had done, and promised it was so totally out of character that he could not understand his actions, at all.

‘ It will nevr, ever happen again, I swear. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Look let’s sit down and have a drink’.
‘Get the hell away from me, you animal’, her voice so very loud. Don’t you ever, ever come near me again’.

He needed her to quieten down, what of the neighbors, his main concern. His reputation and place in the community, at risk. He thought best than to decide to talk her down, he would just be quiet, so as not to make the situation any worse.
She gathered her belongings, threw the half filled glass of champange at him,

‘ I’m very particular about whom I get involved with, you freak’, she roared.

With that she slammed the apartment door, and made her way into cold, rain sozzzled night.

 

Alice.

That was the word that filtered down. That’s what he, she or whatever ‘it’ was preferred to be called. I did not no where to look, or even what I felt. My mind a myriad of emotions, and none of them good. Fear, bewilderment, anger, disgust, mixed with compassion, love and loss. Many deeply felt emotions, too confusing to try and name and describe.

I didn’t want to think, let alone feel. Did not want to see ‘it’. This monstrosity. This God almighty freak, that was now part of this family. Part of the family , that I by some unfair fluke of nature was related to. What in Gods name, had gotten into this person. What madness had somehow seeped into their warped, sick mind. My feelings towards them vacillated between, embarrassment, shame to acceptance and sorrow.
To say peaceful nights and mellow days were hard to come by, would be quiet an understatement. I had not seen him, her, whatever the bloody hell this  monstrosity was, since that crazy statement filtered through all those months ago. Like some sort of sick joke, from the depths of a warped, depraved, and perverted mind.That they had decided they were transitioning or whatever the politically correct term is.
In my own language, they had gone all bloody peculiar and odd. Sick in the head. That’s how I described them. Never mind their transitioning, change or whatever…
How was this going to effect us, as a family. My brothers and sisters. Would we not be the laughing stock of the small town, of the area, if not the whole country. The closed, narrow minds of small town Ireland, would never, could never understand, nor comprehend  something so foreign and alien to them, to their world. Perhaps were we in a large anonymous cosmopolitan city. Perhaps their people would be more accepting and understanding, and could care less. Too busy with their own lives to care.
Through other family members I forwarded my pleading, sensible suggestion. That they move to a large cosmopolitian city, to save us the shame and embarrassment, were this family secret to come to light. I left the small town the very next day. Took my own suggestion and lost myself in that large annoymous city. From that day to this I have never looked back. What became of that family member, I neither know nor care.

Into The Blue.

Into the Blue…..

Into the blue, she said, is that what you want to do
Do you really think that is gonna solve it for you
Why don’t you admit what we all know to be true
You’re a liar ,a thief and an alcoholic too

No one likes you, in this family here
Just thought I’d tell you, so it’s very clear
We wish you were gone the hell away from here
So just that you know, and it’s all very clear

I can’t make it any more planar ,my dear
Why don’t you just leave, it’ll be easier all round
The children will have some peace
We’ll all be sound

So you’re going to commit suicide, well good luck with that
It’s a threat I’ve heard a few times before
So it ain’t that big a shock
I say do it, do it, get it done
Then we’ll all be free to have some fun

We don’t like you in this family here
With the arguments you cause, generating such fear
With your nasty way of being, cutting others down clean
The way you carry on, Jesus it’s obscene

Did I mention we don’t like you in this family here
Sail off, and go to hell, why don’t you my dear
I don’t love no more, and it’s been a long time since
That I’ve had feelings of warmth towards you
You and all that alcohol , can’t you see the coincidence

You ain’t the man, I thought you once was
You a drunk, an idiot, a fool, and a slob
You should be ashamed of yourself, look at you now
How you shake and hallucinate, and at time talk to the cows

That’s, the cows that don’t actually exist
Except inside your drink sodden brain ,Where you can’t even see the pain you’re causing to This family of ours
As you spend our finances on people you meet

In the bars and clubs you repeatedly frequent
Keep going there till all our money is spent
Living it up, like the fool what you are
Why I’m stuck here wondering how to feed our children

I hate and detest you, you know that, my dear. Never have I uttered such honest words to another human, I swear
So if you’ve any sense of honour, and your going do what you say
I myself will drive you to the deep ocean blue
Just to make sure you do what you say you’re going to do

I will watch and celebrate, as you sink, struggle and drown
Then the children and I will be free, as we have the right to be
Did I mention somewhere, we don’t like you in this family here

Those were the last words I remember, as I walked to the clifftop edge
With the images of my children, and all those words left unsaid
At least I was a man of honor, doing what I said I was going to do
I stepped off that cliff, into the deep ocean blue.

 

Is this it ?

Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash

Atmospheric

She looked out at the vast universe. She was always taken aback by its sense of infinity, of nothingness, of stretching to the never, never.  The silence, the sense of nothing moving. Although she had seen it many, many times before, it always fascinated her. Too mad, to brain disturbing to even think about it. She thought of her daughters, of her husband, and the day they had waved her goodbye, and wished her well on her journey. The trip she had dreamed of ever since she was a child.

Throughout her childhood, space, the ultimate sense, and real freedom, the universe, had always offered her an escape, from a family background that was less than healthy, or good for her soul. Many time throughout her childhood, she had sought solace, and peace in the vastness and emptiness that the very idea of interstellar travel offered. Her imagination soared freely, as she traveled alone , and in peace, away from people, away from others. Relationships  had always being difficult for her. It seemed to her, life would be so fine, if only she didn’t have the encumbrance of actually dealing with other humans. Animals, no problems there, of course. As generally speaking , they love you forever, if you show them, even a shred of kindness. They always remember, and a bonus being, they can never, ever speak. At least she was secure in the knowledge, that her deepest thoughts and ruminations that she shared, of which there were many, with the various  animals she befriended, would never, ever be divulged to another human being. Weather in the animal kingdom, if she was a source of gossip, she neither cared, or was concerned.

But now as her space capsule traveled,in the silence, through space, towards the outer reaches of the universe, and onward towards infinity, the prospect of never seeing her family again hit hard. She knew it was pointless to try the dim flickering switches of the instrument panel before her. The communication system to earth, had long since given up. She was afraid, sad, but also curious. What actually happens when we die. Where do we go, what happens next. Is there actually a God, a second life, a second chance to live life the way we would have done, given the opportunity. The chance to right the wrongs the all are guilty of. Cruel words and actions,  looking back, that perhaps given some thought and reflection, we would not have indulged in. Could we have being more lenient, gentle and forgiving of those whom we perceived did us wrong, of perhaps their crimes were too monstrous to be worthy of forgiveness.

What she would have given for a second chance. The opportunity to hold her husband gently, and softly tell him, how much she loved him. The opportunity to hold her daughters, just one more time, and to lay out some guidelines, some rules for life, for a happy, peaceful life.  To be compassionate towards others, to try to be  understanding of others lives, and what they have been through. To forgive easily, to throw grudges and resentments aside. To laugh  as much as possible, to have fun, to enjoy life while one can.

She glanced once more through the large open screens that sat before her, into the darkness, and the passing dull stars, as the relaxing classical music played softly and gently in the background, easing her mind somewhat. The effect of the over medication of the tranquilizers slowly and gloriously taking their toll on her once  bright, effervescent mind. Questions she once demanded answers too, no longer seemed  important.

She looked once again at the dark vastness before her, as her space capsule ventured forth into the unknown.

Reunion….

He Hadn’t Seen Her Since The Day She Left High School.

Lounging Back Against The Bar Counter, He Surveyed The Scene. As The Music Of His Youth Played Out From The Speakers, The Laughter And Chatter From Some Of The Groups Gathered Round, Reacquainting Themselves. He Had The Words And Thoughts To Describe Them, His Former Classmates, And Not Nice Words. Quick To Criticise And Find Fault With Others. It Helped Him Deal With His Own Sense Of Inadequacy. So Much Easier To Look Outside. Rather Than Within To Find The Source Of His Own Spiritual Discomfort. His Own Inability To Find Some Peace Of Mind And Self Acceptance.
                   Like An Angry Animal Looking To Pounce And Attack Some Unsuspecting Prey. His Eyes Scanned The Dancehall For Any Who Were Brave Enough To Meet His. Few Dared, As They Had Known From Past Experience How Unpleasant It Was To Be On The Receiving End Of His Caustic, Acerbic Attack. Not A Physical Attack, He Was Too Cowardly For That, Although To Those Who Had Experienced It, That’s What It Felt Like. A Brutal Assault, That Left Them Reeling, And Questioning Their Own Value And Worth As Human Beings, Scurrying For Cover. Many At This Evening’s Reunion Dance Had Noted His Angry Snarl. Piercing Hateful Eyes, And Suspected Little Had Changed About His Demeanour From There Times Spent Going Through The Education System Together. People Were More Than Happy To Keep There Distance
             He Scanned The Dancefloor With His Hateful Eyes, And Did A Second Take, As He Vaguely Recognised That Face. Her Face, Those Frightened Eyes. From Long Ago. Now Emanating A Sense Of Strength In Them. That Hunched Over, ’please Don’t Notice Me’, Body Language Now Replaced By A More Resilient And Self Reliant Pose. He Could Not Believe It. Was The Same Person, He Had Know And Bullied And Teased All Those Years Ago, And Was Sure He Had Left Her Floundering Like A Lost Gentle Deer In The Wilderness. She Now Possessed A Confidence. An Easy Going Charismatic Manner, That Drew Others To Her. He Watched As The Laughter Flowed So Easily And Freely In The Group Gathered Round Her. Standing On The Sidelines Of The Dance Area, Just As It Had Being When He Was Younger. Criticising And Sneering At Those They Disliked And Disapproved Of.  With The Few Friends He Had Managed To Keep Since His School Days. But Truth Be Told Not Many Wanted To Be Around Such A Critical, Unhappy Person. Life Had Moved On For Most. But For Him. Life Was Not Moving In The Direction He Had Hoped For,And Imagined It Would. He Was Still The Angry, Frustrated Person Of His Youth. Just Older, Plain For All To See.

He Held The Glass Of Alcohol Tightly, In Front Of His Chest. Almost Crushing The Glass As His Hands Tightened Around It. His Jaw Held Tightly. His Breathing Hard, Guttural, And Snarling. He So Wanted To Punch Something. Somebody, To Release The Tension Held In His Body. The Beat Of The Seventies Music. The Flashing Disco Lights. In The Darkened School Hall. Bringing Back Memories Of How It Was When They Were All Young Teenagers. Coming To Terms With Life. He Stared At Her Again From Across The Dance Floor. His Mouth Turning Down In An Angry Sneer. That She Was Now Successful Was Obvious. With The Well Cut, Expensive Clothing. The Confident Upright Body Language. The Easy Smile. All Proclaiming To The World, Even If Unconsciously, Her Sense Of Self Worth, Inner Contentment And Happiness.’

                           He Loosened The Tie Around His Neck, And Adjusted His Cheap Electric Blue Suit. If Nothing Else It Certainly Got Him Noticed, And Perhaps Laughed At, Quietly. He Could Take No More, And Hurried Outside Away From The Rhythm Of The Music. The Flashing Disco Lights. But Mainly To Get Away From Her. Her Self Importance. Her Confidence And Popularity. He Took A Cigarette From The Packet In His Jacket,And Lit It. Angrily Inhaling The Smoke. So Enjoying The Kick It Gave Him In His Chest. As He Greedily And Hurriedly Inhaled Again And Again. To Feel Yet Another Kick In His Chest, As The Nicotine Began Its Damage To His Body. He Didn’t Care, As It Seemed The More He Inhaled The Smoke The Calmer He Became. As His Anger And Bitterness Calmed Down Somewhat.

            What Gave Her The  Right To Be So Successful, He Demanded. She Did Not Deserve It. That Was For Sure. Most Probably She Had Married Well, To Some Wealthy Business Man. Slept Her Way To The Top. These Were The Thoughts He Consoled Himself With. To Believe Or Learn She Had Become Successful Using Her Own Resources. That Would Have Being Too Much For Him To Take. Like A Knife In Plunged Into His Soul…One Of His Friends From The Dancefloor Had Come To Join Him Outside For A Cigarette, And Relayed The News He So Didn’t Want To Hear. That She Had Indeed Become A Successful Independently Wealthy Woman. An Entrepreneur Under Her Own Volition. Much To The Admiration Of Her Former Fellow Classmates. With No Well To Do Husband Or Partner To Ease The Way For Her.

Staring Out Over The Darkened Car Park, And Upward Towards The Evening  Sky, Asking God Silently Where Was The Justice In The World. His Thoughts Were Interrupted By A Soft Silky Voice That He Instantly Recognised.

                     ‘Hello, I Thought It Was You’.
                     ‘ah Yes, Nice To See You’, He Lied.

He Had Never Liked Her, Even When He First Meet Her All Those Years Ago As They Began Their Teenage Education Together. There Was Just Something About Her, He Did Not Like. Perhaps Sensing, But Not Acknowledging To Himself. That Underneath Her Shyness And Awkwardness, She Had A Certain Charisma, And Warmth. Which Were It Allowed To Shine.Well… He Just Could Not Allow That To Be.
              He Knew What His Mission Was. From The Moment He Met Her, All Those Years Ago, And Throughout Their School Time Together. It Was To Make Her So Miserable And Unhappy, That Hopefully She Would Out Of Despair Gave Up On The Particular School She Was At, And Move Away Elsewhere.

             His  Plan Was To Make Her Very Unpopular Among The Other Pupils. So That Her Time At School Would Become Intolerable. At Least He Had A Few Advantages Over Her. He Was Well Known In The Area. While She Was A Newcomer To The Town. An Outsider. He Already Had A Set Of Friends, Whom He Could Work With To Turn Others Against Her.

The Fact That She Was Pretty, but Quiet Worked To His Advantage. As He Could See Within The First Few Weeks Of Starting Back At School, How The Less Then Pretty Girls Were Quite Envious Of Her. So Began Many Years Of Torment. Which At Times Had Her Running Home To In Tears. Begging To Be Moved To Another School. Another Town. But Her Parents Were Not That Interested In Her Sorry Tales, And Just Told Her She Would Have To Learn To Deal With It. As They Would All Be Living In This Town For Many Years To Come, And There Were No Free Places At Nearby Schools. Distressed Beyond Belief. She Had Considered Running Away. Such Was The Torment.

It Was While Alone In Her Room One Evening Unable To Take Any More Torment, And The Future Looking Bleak And Hopeless That She Took Those Handful Of Pills Taken From Her Mother’s Purse.
         As She Lay On Her Bed And The Room Became Dark. She Felt At Peace. It Was The Rough Handling Of Her Body That Briefly Woke Her. The Shaking, She So Wanted To Sleep.
‘My God Child What Have You Done’, Her Mother’s Screaming Voice So Close To Her. The Distraught Face. The Pleading, Fearful Moist Eyes.
Screaming To Her Husband, Downstairs, ’call An Ambulance, Call A Bloody Ambulance’.

She Pulled The Lifeless, Rag Like Body Of Her Beloved Only Daughter Close To Her, And Held Her Tight. Stroked Her Untidy Hair. Willing Her To Wake Up. Her Husband Took The Stairs Three At A Time, And Clambered Into The Bedroom At Speed, Nearly Falling Over His Wife As She Held The Failing Body Of Their Only Child.

‘Did You Call The Ambulance, Well Did You’.

Unable To Answer He Just Took In The Scene Before His Eyes. The Unmade Bed, The Half Empty Bottle Of Pills Strewn On The Carpet.

‘Did You’, The Scream Jolted Him, As He Nodded Yes.

‘Jesus What Have We Done’….

          The Paramedics Arrived And Set About Their Work Swiftly. They Ushered The Terrified Parents Away From The Bed, And The Child. Turning Her On Her Side, Into The Recovery Position, If There Was To Be A Recovery. They Set About Resuscitating Her. Firstly By Putting Two Fingers In Her Mouth And Towards The Back Of Her Throat. The Unconscious Child, Retched And Coughed. But No Material Was Expunged. The Seasoned Paramedics,  Repeated The Procedure Again. This Time Putting The His Fingers Further Back Into The Young Girls Mouth, So That She Would Empty The Contents Of Her Stomach.
 It Was Some Weeks Later Before She Was Released From The Hospital. There Was Talk Of Psychiatrists.

       He Had Not Reckoned On A Wiley Old Nun Who After Many Many Years Of Teaching Was Well Aware Of How Petty Jealousies And Psychological Dysfunction Manifested Itself In Teenage Children. She Watched From Afar Everyday How This Girl Was Being Ostracized And Sidelined By Many At The School. Having Come From A Dysfunctional Family Herself, She Knew How Wretched People Can Be To One Another At Times, Whether They Be Young Or Old, And Was Determined One Way Or Another To Help This Young Girl.

As She Yet Again Walked Alone In The School Yard, On A Bracing Autumn Day. The Nun Approached Her

‘How Do You Like Your New School’,

                   She Was Startled By The Voice, By The Approach, Somebody Actually Speaking To Her At The School. Looking Up From The Hunched Over Posture She Had Come To Adopt In School. To Become Invisible To Others. So To Hopefully Have Some Peace.

‘It’s Okay’, she lied.

   Sister Gertrude Was Wise Enough Not To Be Crass And Insensitive. She Knew She Would Have To Tread Gently. To Lift This Poor Child Up. To Restore And Rebuild What Little Was Left Of Her Self Esteem.

‘We Speak About You In The Staff Room. By All Accounts You’re One Of The Stars Of The English Class’, She Lied.

She Smiled At Hearing That. Not Having Heard Praise From Another For Quite Some Time.

‘I Would Like To Hear Some Of Your Writing, Would You Be Willing To Share It ?’
‘Maybe’,

‘Well Come Here Tomorrow, Same Time, And We’ll Sit On The Benches Over There, And You Can Read, And I’ll Listen. I Have To Go Now. It’s Emily,Isn’t It.’

‘Yes’, Smiling Slightly, For The First Time, In A Long While.

Emily Made Her Way Back To The Classroom, For The Afternoon Lessons. Was Her Back, Just A Small Bit Straighter. Was Her Head Held Up, Just A Little Bit Higher. Was That Just The Beginnings Of A Small Smile On Her Face ?

                               The Afternoon Classes Seemed To Fly By So Very Quickly. In The Silent World She Had Become So Used To. Except When It Was Broken By The Cruelty, The Snide Remarks. The Looks That Could Kill, Of Her So Called Classmates. But None Of That Seemed To Matter Today, As She Looked Forward To Meeting And Reading For Sister Gertrude The Following Day.

                  The Evening Passed Quickly. Then The Night Time. But Sleep Was Hard To Come By. Was It Excitement. Dread Or Fear. Or Perhaps A Combination Of All Three, That Was Preventing A Restful Night. In The Morning She Arose Early, And Searched In Her Bedside Cabinet For Her Journal Where She Secretly Keep Her Writing Journal. In Which She Detailed Her Private Thoughts And Desires. Her Deep Sense Of Loneliness, Isolation And Emptiness. Her Yearning And Longing For Friendly Human Contact Among Her Classmates. Somebody, Anybody, to speak to her, in a friendly manner. Her Thoughts Of Anguished Despair. Her Violent, Angry Wishes For The Perpetrators Of Her Unhappiness, to be punished severely for their cruelty.

       No One Had Ever Seen The Inside Of The Journal. Not A Soul.

‘Are You Looking For Something’, His Smirke Telling Her He Had Yet Again Intruded Into The Privacy Of Her Bedroom. How Many More Times Must She Plead With Her Parents To Put A Lock On Her Door. She Was After All, Fourteen Years Old Now. Not A Woman, But A Growing Young Girl.

‘Give It Back, What Have You Done With It, Give It Back Right Now’.

She Chased. He Ran. Down The Stairway And Out Into The Garden. He Ran To The Bottom Of The Garden, And From The Bushes Picked Up Her Hard Cover Red Journal, And Waved It In Front Of Her. Teasing Her. The Sunshine Shone Down Onto The Garden, And Made The Pool Look So Inviting. He Stood One Side Of The Pool, And She The Other. Sneering At Each Other. He Held It Out Over The Inviting Blue Water.

‘You Pay Me $20 Or It’s Going In The Pool’, He Laughed.
‘Give It Back Now’.
‘$20 Or It’s Good Bye Journal’

Weighing Up Her Options $20 Didn’t Seem Too High A Price To Get Back Her Writing.

‘Ok, $20 It Is Then, I’ll Just Go Back To My Room And Get It’.

She Left The Garden, And Her Kid Brother By The Pool, And Ran Back Upstairs To Her Bedroom, And Retrieved The Cash She Had Been Saving In The Jar. Her Running Away Fund, She Liked To Call It.

She Ran Down The Stairs Again, Before Her Mischievous Kid Brother Changed His Mind.

‘Ok, Here’s Your $20 Dollars’, And Like An Exchange Of World War Two Prisoners,They Met Halfway Round The Pool, He Handed Her The Red Writing Journal. With A Mischievous Grin And She Held The $20 In Her Left Hand, Possessed By Some Demon, She Used Her Other Hand To Slap Him Very Hard Across The Face. Such Was The Force He Fell To His Knees, By The Edge Of The Pool, Feel Forward And His Head Made Hard Contact With Marble Flooring. She Watched Transfixed As Blood Began To Seep Slowly From The Wound And Into The Clear Blue Water Of The Pool.

‘Get Up’, She Ordered Him. Familiar With Mischievous Ways. But There Was No Movement

‘Right You Two, Whats Going On Here ? , Her Mother Demanded.
‘He Has Being Into My Room Again, And Taken My Journal, And Its Private, And Personal’.

‘Do you think that matters now. Look at him,’ she screamed angrily and bent down and examed her son. She noted the perspiration on his forehead, and labored breathing. Gently she shock his shoulders, but he was unresponsive. For the second time in a few short months, an ambulance was called to the house. Emily ran from the scene , and her Mothers understandable anger and weeping, and back to her room, and locked her door. Her private diary mattered little, now. How she castigated herself for her actions. Alone in the darkness of her room, she listened as the ambulance arrived and took her young, unresponsive brother and now hysterical Mother to the hospital.

        A long sleepiness night followed. Thats what much regret and recrimination does that to a person. It was two days later before her parents returned home. She listened intently from her bedroom, as they argued and threw accusations back and forward between each other. To be finished by the slamming of doors, and then silence. Emily dreaded the following morning, where she knew she would have to make an appearance at the breakfast table. But she also had to find out what had happened to her brother, as the result of her actions.
Finally the morning arrived, and the dreaded breakfast time. Emily was first to take her place in the kitchen, followed shortly after by her Father. The slamming of the door upstairs and the heavy footsteps, and the angry calling of her name, announced the arrival of her Mother.

‘He’ll may never walk again, possibly never talk again, maybe be in a persistent vegetative state for life.  Are you satisfied now, you foolish, selfish girl’. Her voice, loud, angry and cold. The words cut deep.

She looked to her Father for comfort as she had done in similar situations in the past, but he just turned his gaze away from her, and onto the garden.

‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Please when can I see him’.

No one answered, again Emily retreated swiftly, from the cold, unfriendly atmosphere of the kitchen to the privacy  of her room, and locked the door. Many similar days followed. The cold , angry atmosphere changed little. She never got to see her brother at the hospital. The relationship between her parents seemed to get worse. Her Mother taking to drinking copiousness amounts of alcohol, nightly, to deal with the ongoing situation with her son, and his never ending hospital incarceration.
The relationship between Mother and daughter never improved much from thoses days. The relationship with her Father, who silently blamed her for his sons incurable condition, was not much better. Near enough being shunned by her parants, only added to her overwhealming sense of wothlessness and guilt, self hate and recrimation. Add to that the issues she faced at school, her life was miserable beyond belief.
It was through her writing where she found solace. Where she could divulge her innermost thoughts and desires, in privacy. Where she could write of her loneliness and despair, regret and guilt.

 

Hoarder.

Photo by Oleksii Hlembotskyi on Unsplash

I am a hoarder, I use my goods as a boarder to keep the world out
I am afraid and insecure, of the world outside my door
Its causing ructions and disorder inside this house
Why can’t they see what I can see, I am an insecure, scared little mouse

Why can’t they leave me be, always demanding I clean up
Why does it bother them so much, When they can’t see what I can see inside this house
Boxes packed with God knows what, clothes I’ll never wear
Newspapers strewn on the floor, I don’t even care

Dirty windows, unclean doors, overcrowded drawers
Don’t you touch them, don’t you dare do that
This is my security, this is my sense of self
Even if to others it looks like a God almighty mess

This is my life and how I live it, gives me peace of mind
So if you could remove yourself, I’ll get on with the daily grind
Get out now, and don’t come back
If all you’re here to do is find fault and knock me flat

This is how I live my life, this is how it’s going to be
Until the day I feel more secure, and my self esteem is intact, can’t you see
Get out, get out and leave me be

 

            

                                                                                                                                               

 

                                                                                                                                          

 

                  

Toxic People.

Toxic People.

Toxic people in my life, trying their utmost to cause a great deal of strife
What can I do about these people, so I can just get on with life
Not to be so fearful and trading so carefully, trying hard to avoid and disengage
Yet they still keep coming back all the time, trying to assuage and calm their rage
My words are not meant to destroy and cause you pain, so they claim
They are to help you, they protest, so your life is not in vain
Have you no sense of humour, they ask, as their cruel, insensitive words
Whip once more across my back
Well why not leave me be, I say to thee, and get on with your own life, see

How can I keep people like this at arm’s length, please lord, show me the way, give me some strength
Make it easy and nice, so life is a bit more simple, not so full grief, all night long
Not much space for happiness, with this kind of carry on
It makes the days seem so very long, and full of darkness, with little sign of the sun
When these people did-respect my boundaries and walls, like they don’t even exist at all
Must I really become violent, volatile, unpredictable and all
Is this the way to make them stall, so I can have some peace of mind
So I ain’t driven up the wall

Am I gonna die from this, am I gonna cease to exist
Or will I find the strength from somewhere new, to carry on, like you must do
Not to give into these people and let them win. For that to happen, surely it would be a sin
Can’t have that, it would never do
When I get the finances right, I’ll be moving from here with much delight
Never to see these people again, then maybe I’ll laugh when I look back when
Life was hard, tough and not too nice
Being trapped in situations beyond my control, but that’s what it’s like sometimes
When you’re stuck on the dole, you’re stuck deep down in a hole
In situations and predicaments, not of one’s choosing or delight

Best look to the future, knowing and trusting it will come right
All these hard times will soon be outta sight, put em behind you, and move on anew
That’s what resilient people strive for, and that’s what you can do
So maybe I’ll have to be, not what I want to see
Be volatile, violent, unpredictable and cruel, but only as a boundary to keep these people away
Gotta save myself from the people like this. No more forgiving, no more second chances
So we can all make up, till the next flare up advances

How dare you try and treat me like a fool, after all I’ve been through, since I left school
You don’t know my life, and what I have seen, it’s quite surprising really I ain’t a whole lot more mean
Gotta be aware how sneaky some people can, they who can deceive, and molest you unseen
Who hide their motives under the cover of friendship, kindness, and real concern, but at all times they are looking for weakness, for a way in, to dig at your soul, and destroy what you got.
Even if what you got, ain’t a lot. But they will steal your happiness, contentment, and joy at just living life
What you got, they take, and destroy it, if given a shot
God knows why they carry on like this, are they that unhappy with their own lives, gone amiss
Or is it something more, that maybe they should explore, this desire, to take down and destroy
It’s not really the way to live if you ask my advice.

Best thing to do is look out for the snake in the grass, cause before you know it
They will be right up your ass, and not in a good way to give you pleasure and joy
More an entry to be cruel and destroy.
To take whatever happiness you’ve managed to gain, to find fault with your life and critise with disdain, in a nasty devious way that will drive you insane.
That’s like injecting cruelty directly into your veins. They criticise and cut down whatever you achieve, because it gives em such joy to see you bleed
Don’t you allow them to do that to you whatever you do. Cause then they’ll hold the reins, of your life character and soul. But don’t give it to them, cause they aint nothing but assholes…so that’s it friends, be on your guard
Defend yourself, from those who treat you with such disregard
If you see them coming, or can suss them out, turn on your heels and shout out loud
Look out guys, we got a snake in the grass, do what you can, but cover your ass
Cause these people are no good, they’ll soon bring you down
That’s why I say, steer well clear, otherwise it will cost you dear
In terms of spiritual unhappiness and mental hurt and distress
One of these days you may find you just can’t bounce back

As all this madness will make you feel like a mess
They will entrap and entice you with friendship and more
Doing what they can to get to your core
When they get in, they will start committing their sins
As they try and use you as their psychological punchbag, come human dustbin
Don’t let them in, that’s my advice, keep them out, that’s my shout
Cause once they get in, it’s downhill from their
As they won’t be content till they have you pulling out your hair
In anger despair, bewilderment and more
Then they’ve won, and got what they want
But don’t you allow yourself to sink in that swamp
Don’t you mind them, because these are only tools, that these people use
To get inside your mind and soul, so they can search around for what they can use
They will surround you like a boxer in the ring, looking for a weakness, an opening
So they can commit their sins,in you life

Is it jealousy, envy, or god knows what, it’s too deep a problem to give it a shot
I ain’t a counsellor, psychologist or priest, do I really need to figure out, why they act like some kind of beast
It ain’t down to me to sort them out, tried kindness, understanding, patience and all
But it just seems like, most of the time, I’m banging my head against a brick wall
Where my words are twisted, to make me look wrong, where my good deeds are wasted
I’m being taken for a fool all along
I ain’t no fool, I see what’s happening what’s going on here
People you love ,and treat so very dear, for their own mad reasons, which are somewhat unclear
Want to treat you bad, and make you mad, and leave you bewildered and even quite sad
As you try to figure out, why they act like they do, as they twist and turn that crazy psychological screw
Nothing changes, nothing will, in my view these people are really mentally ill

I didn’t cause it, I can’t fix it, in any case, it ain’t my job, ain’t gonna waste my life sorting ‘em out
I’ll point them in the right direction, if they are willing to take that on board
If they aint willing to follow that advice they can fall on their sword
I’ll lose no sleep, that’s the attitude you gotta take, or i’m gonna take
For the sake of my health, both mental and physical, make no mistake
I’ve showed them the way, down that path is your cure,
Take it or leave it, i’m out the door
I ain’t too bothered how they get on with there life
I’ve tried my best for them, and had enough of your strife
Your madness, manipulations, craziness and more, I ain’t your bitch, I ain’t your whore
Find another fool, to fall into your web, is it any wonder many times I wish they were dead

To be contined.