When Some One Dies

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Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

When someone dies, I ask what the hell is life all about
I’m soo sad. I weep. Where the hell is this peace I seek
This pain is to much to bear. It sears my soul
I am hurting, distraught and bereft

Such a good friend of mine is taken from this life, at this time
Where is the justification. Where is the reason why
Where are you now God. Explain to me the reason why
Why now, why her. Why at this time

Come on, fess up. Explain to me the reason why
It makes no sense. I am distraught. I cry
I am a man, but yet I weep
Her Love, Her energy, Her Happiness
You take that, and don’t explain why

Do I hate you God, if you exist at all
This life I don’t understand at all
I curse you life, I curse you God
I really do.

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Empty Life

daniel-jensen-763633-unsplashPhoto by Daniel Jensen on Unsplash

Empty life, gambling urges, coming on strong
Yes, I give up, I give in, your stronger than me
I cannot resist, this urge I have to feed
There I have done it, I have gambled, I have lost once again
Why dose it feel so wonderful to be back here again
What’s the psychology of this disease
Where I find no peace, nor contentment until I deplete my finances
I will struggle over the next few weeks, all my own fault of course
Don’t you Pity me, don’t you do that
My choice’s, decisions by my own hand
You can never win, at the casino’s, take my word
No matter how inviting it looks on the screen, and the possibilities they offer to entice
Don’t you be drawn int that abyss of misery, worry tension and concern
Cause that’s where it is leading, when will we ever learn
A very temporary release from life’s distress, disappointment, bewilderment, and frustrations
But they will still be here tomorrow, but you like I, will have a lighter wallet
While those on the other side, will laugh, smirk and live it up, at your expense.

Life Without a Partner

jordan-steranka-616004-unsplashPhoto by Jordan Steranka on Unsplash

Do you ever question, why are you actually living
What’s it all about, it’s a mystery to me
Lurching from one empty day to another
Is life not expected to be better than this

Potential love partners turning away
Before a fella has a chance to have a say
Impress them with my wit, my brain, my intellect
Look here sweetie, can’t you see what you could be missing

Do I seem that desperate, do I seem that keen
Trust me sweetheart, I ain’t overawed by what you may offer
Would you meet the standards I have set in my mind, for a partner I may entwine with
Are you more than a pretty face, are the characteristics that matter
Actually in place. Kindness, generosity, patience, loyalty, discretion, sanity and more
How about you convince me, you got them by the score
Then maybe I would look you way, try you out for a day
See if we hit it off, see what future we may have together

But what if all you meet, are semi aggressive potential partners
Who show little interest, just an obvious disdain
That one may perhaps be a burden, and I ain’t sayin a pain
But that’s the general thrust of the reaction I am getting
From the people I meet. I wonder what the answer is
To this dilemma I  twist in my mind

I am searching for love, companionship, compatibility and peace
Am I to live my life out, single, lonely, certainly not meek
Am I being punished by some God up above
What’s going on here, why can’t  I find love
I have so much to offer, I’ll see you right
That’s if I can find a suitable partner, I’ll help you through the night

The next day, and life itself, as we move on together, I’ll see you right
What is the answear, I dont know, maybe thats why I’m feeling so low.

Gambling Losses.

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Photo Credit : https://pixabay.com/en/las-vegas-night-time-neon-lights-599840/

Gambling losses, making me right cross
I won a stack of cash the other week, thinking my luck was in
I kept upping the stake I was using, hoping for a bigger win
It did not take long for that same sorry song to appear
I watched in despair as my bank went all the way down to zero

I could not help myself, it was like I was possessed
I could not put that cash back in fast enough
Now I am stuck and skint
In a city I don’t want to be, cant even afford a writing class
A swim in the pool, not available with my financial agenda
Sports classes or nothing, this what life is like currently
Human contact and interaction is missing, and that’s bloody hard

But I’m glad it happened, cause psychological pain such as this
Is hard
Because the riches I was expecting have gone amiss
Events such as this are really teaching me a lesson here
That the riches I desire and seek, are not going to emanate from the casinos
I visit week after week

I have said to myself, that’s the finish of it now
That’s a line I will no longer cross
This kind of nonsense has just got to stop
This is a period of time I will not forget
The futility and pointlessness of believing gambling
Will sort you out, once and for all
Financial stresses diminished
Wealth and riches by your door, don’t you believe it, mate
You’ll soon get to know the score

The only people making money from gambling are the people running such ventures
In my view they are nothing more than criminals, who prey on lonely, unhappy people
They who are seeking some respite, and hoping for a better life
But the odds are so tilted in there favour, those of us drawn in, have little chance of a win
As the owners swan around in there fancy cars, and live it up in hotels with five stars
While we the fools, who play by the rules, believing we have even a chance of a win
Are only adding to their wealth

For those others, afflicted with this addiction, I hope you too, soon see the light
Hit your rock bottom with all of your might
Then you perhaps you too can see the futility of gambling
That it will never lead you to where you think it will be
It only leads down that road of anger and despair
That will be familiar to the many who gamble to excess
Hopefully the pain of gambling and continually losing, will soon put you right.

Nothing.

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Photo by Mark Eder on Unsplash

I have nothing to say, nothing on my brain
How am I meant to entertain and engage
Those who are kind enough to view what I write, and at times, voice their appreciation
I aint mad, angry or depressed, no toxic people on my case
Nothing of any duress happening in my life
Bit dead on the romantic scene, I must admit
Would love, love, love to meet a suitable partner
To share this life’s journey with, that’s for sure
But the landscape is incredibly barren whenever I step outside the door
I looked, just looked at a woman a few months back, not a stunner, not a beaut
More out of interest I did briefly stare
She actually physically winced, when my glance caught her eye
Just cause you’re a woman, don’t necessarily mean, I want you, let me be clear
I got standards you know, which you gotta meet, or else you aint coming in the door
I watched a pretty woman coming down the street. Our eyes did meet, and she was okay
But I had watched her briefly from afar, shoulder charge some poor fella out of her way
Good looking as she was, that was so off-putting, I turned away from her enticing glance
That’s one dance that would not end well, so I aint even moving in that direction
So there’s nothing really going on, currently.

Torture.

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Photo by Charles Deluvio 🇵🇭🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Is life torture to you, and you just don’t know what to do
Do you wish it was over now, just wishing for the end
Is everything what you wanted not coming true
The love of your life not appearing
That career, you aint even sure of, not showing up
The wealth you dreamed of, seems such an impossible dream
Your aspirations to enhance the lives of others, seem empty futile, even obscene

Where is it all gone wrong, the people you meet daily, not want you want to see
They are the damn opposite of what you see in your dreams
Where’s that compatible partner, why just can’t they appear
You know, just like magick
That career you hanker after, how come it just disappears
Where’s the end to this, God alone knows
Where are the people you expect to show up, as you did for them
With their care, their consideration, or is that an empty dream
You were there for them, but now they ain’t nowhere to be seen
Make’s one question deeply, are some friendships what they purport to be

Is your body up the creek, with no end in sight
No healing miracles, about to come your way, and put things right
It’s stuff like this, that at times make’s it hard to carry on
With no brightness ahead, it all looks rather……trying
It’s at times like this, pleasure is in short supply
With a negative outlook, you might think abut dying
Many, many days like this, and life can seem like torture, and I ain’t lying

Have you got someone in your life saying, you don’t matter, you hardly exist
What’s going on with you, is of little and no concern
But yet they watch and analyse every move you make
Give there view on your preconceived mistakes, do they not believe in live and let live
Why can they not live their own lives, instead of living your life for you
Instead they find fault with all that you do, they that have little, to non existent respect

Why don’t you just hide away, until I discern you may be worth interacting with
But only to bring you down, as I lift myself up, and watch you squirm
Once again you’ve fallen for my my false sense of love and concern
But I care nothing for you, when will you ever learn
You are nothing to me, but a psychological punchbag, on whom I can let free
Destroy, and tear down, with words that cut to the core
Words that will reverberate for evermore within your mind
Even when I’m gone from this world, my words will destroy and control you
From beyond the grave
You got people like this in your life, throw them out, before they take your soul, your spirit, your life
Take my word, you see people like this, close to you. Shut them down, cut them out
This is what you must do. This is what you must do

Watching trough the window, another sunny day, another lovely day
Blue skies, and fluffy clouds, birds high in the sky
As you sit alone in your house, contemplating the benefits should you die
Maybe I may change my mind, another Netflix movie, foreign language perhaps
Engage my mind fully. Proper diet, positive views, you know, like you should do
Maybe life won’t seem so bad. Gotto keep bouncing back
Sure we’ll see what we can do. If it all seems worth it…..

 

 

Gambling.

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Gambling.

I seem to have a problem with gambling me, I can’t seem to stop doing it, see
Even though I know I’m ain’t going to win
It’s the light’s the spinning wheels that draw you in
I win a bit now and then, but generally speaking I lose it again
The house always seems to win out in the end

But it’s also to do with the pleasure centers in the brain
The dopamine that’s secreted, help’s hide life’s pain
When you watch the spinning wheel’s on the slot’s
Will you win, will you lose
That’s the hit you’re after, that adrenaline,and that fear
That’s what you hold so very dear
That’s why you crave to try it again
Cause to the brain, it’s now a source of pleasure, and that’s when it gets tricky

Why do I gamble so much, what’s giving me such a rush
The chance to win a fortune, to take me away from here
To make my life seem happier, to make my problems disappear
They may go away for a day or two
But they always show up again, have no fear

I feel and get so angry when I lose, that I jump right back in
Spend even more money determined to win, again I lose, what a fool
But maybe I should go easy on myself, and try to uncover the reasons why
I gamble like I do
To figure out the trigger point’s
When I have them sorted out, maybe I won’t gamble so much.

The trigger point’s as I can see, are boredom, loneliness and angry energy, and uncomfortable feelings
But these feelings come and go, for everyone on this planet
I don’t want to be rushing to the casino, every time I feel this way
Emptying my wallet

How to deal with such feelings, without it costing a packet
Could try alcohol, but that’s a similar addiction
I’ve long since given up cigarettes so that’s a no, no too
As I like to keep my health in check, so that’s not something I will do

If I can see the trigger points that are forcing me to gamble
Sit down and analyze, could try from that angle, for a while
Maybe if I could stop and think about the consequences of that step
If I open up the laptop, and have another bet
But it’s not that easy to stop and think, when your mind is pushing you to gamble
When you get drawn in by the spinning wheel’s and flashing lights
The possibility of a win
But I get so angry when I lose, which is all I ever seem to do
I’m now spending cash set aside for bill’s, that’s a bad sign,and I know that

I did an online quiz the other night, to see if I had a problem
Of the twenty questions asked, I answered in the affirmative to a lot of them
Not all of course, approx fifty percent or so
At the end of the quiz, the computer said gee whiz, you definitely have a problem
I did not like that answer, so I did the quiz once again
This time not being so honest with my answers
But the computer screamed at me, yes man, you do have a problem

That set me thinking, have no doubt
I have bills to pay, ain’t got the cash today, because I gave it to the casino
Usually I’d jump back in, and try to win again
But it’s only myself I’m fooling
At least I’m lucky in a way, having a bit of insight into myself
Not ashamed to say, I may be a gambler today

But I’m going get on top of this, before it ruins my life
Cause it can bring a lot of heartache, to a family and a wife
So I think my strategy for now will be, to figure out the trigger point’s
To turn my mind to other things, when the urges come calling
To let go of the idea of revenge
To make the casino’s pay, for all the cash they’ve had from me
But that’s a foolish way to think
That kind of thinking will only make you sink
To the depths of despair, sadly you won’t be the only one there
With the odds stacked in there favour, that’s a foolish way to think
That’s a hopeless strategy
That could lead to homelessness, bankruptcy,or some other
None too pleasant possibilities

How about losing your wife, your children turning away
Perhaps a spell in prison, would that make your day
Cause these are the end destination’s where you may end up
If you continue to gamble and cannot stop
So it ain’t too funny now, if you look at it that way

I’ll read these gambling websites and see what others do
See their stories, hear their tales
Hopefully it will help me cope, when the urges come calling
I know these urges to gamble will come, but I now know they will pass
Not get drawn in, just keep deferring it for ten minutes
That way I’ll get through the day, without gambling at all
So hopefully it will get better after all

Even on the day I wrote this poem
A few hours later I was back on the laptop again
Badgered by my intuition, or so I thought, screaming at me, now’s your chance
Now is your day, it’ll make all your troubles go away
You’re bound to win, it’s not a sin, so lay that bet, it’ll set you free
It’s your way to freedom, do it and see
Needless to say I did not win, and feel very angry and foolish yet again
But I can see it’s just my mind fooling me
That’s how deceptive this addiction can be

But I’ll not get caught again, I’m mad as hell after losing again
I’m now wise to my own mind, and the tricks it plays on me
Their will be no next time, this I swear, I swear to me
The worst that can happen in a casino, is that you win
That’s what keeps drawing you back in
Believing if you were lucky once, you’ll be lucky again
It’s just a matter of getting the timing right

I’m tired of being fooled by this thing, I will not give in anymore
But even as I write these lines, I’m planning when I can get back in
Maybe limit the amount that I play, I’m sure to have a lucky day
That’s how mad this addiction is, in the past six days I’ve spent ninety quid
With very little to show for it, except for the blood pressure rising high
As I watch my bank account sink so low

I don’t know if i’ll ever give it up, as I do derive some pleasure from it
But i’ll certainly cut down the amount I spend
Try to find pleasure in other ways
I don’t feel like gambling when my mind is calm, with life going well and at ease
But how often is that, not only for me, but for everyone on the planet
So we’ll have to see how it goes, this saga of casinos and I.